Reading Time: 6 minutes

You’re staring at the email draft about the job promotion, your cursor hovering over the “Send” button. The simple act of applying for the senior position has become a complex landscape of doubt.

What if the wording isn’t perfect? You’ve rewritten the first paragraph seventeen times. Each version feels simultaneously too confident and not confident enough. 

Imagine your manager reading your email, picking apart every comma, and analyzing each carefully constructed sentence as if it were forensic evidence.

If you use the word “innovative,” will it sound genuine or desperate?

That descriptor you used in the third paragraph — does it truly capture your professional essence?

You’ve spent three hours selecting synonyms, weighing the nuanced implications of “strategic” versus “forward-thinking.”

Is your smile in the professional headshot you’ve attached too wide? Too forced? Does it communicate confidence or does it seem like you’re trying too hard?

You’ve cycled through fifteen different photos, each subjected to microscopic scrutiny.

What if they ask about your weaknesses?

An hour has passed by, and you haven’t sent that email.

Ayayay…

Has your life become a carefully curated fortress of safety?

Think of your career life for a moment. Have you been in the same position for seven years, despite consistently receiving performance reviews that suggest you’re overqualified?

Perhaps, the thought of applying for a senior role triggers an avalanche of defensive reasoning.

“I’m comfortable here,” you tell yourself.

Your mind has come up with various justifications for staying put. The current job offers predictability: same commute, same colleagues, same tasks. You know precisely how many steps it takes to walk from your desk to the break room, how the coffee machine works, and the exact rhythm of office small talk.

Any deviation feels like a potential catastrophe.

When opportunities for promotion arise, your mind becomes a sophisticated risk-assessment machine. You imagine every possible failure scenario with cinematic detail:

• What if you apply and don’t get the job? You imagine all the paralyzing embarrassment you may feel. 
• What if you get the job and can’t perform? You construct images of how professional humiliation looks and sounds.
• What if your current colleagues resent you? You imagine your colleagues staring at you with angry eyes.

Think about your search for an authentic, loving, and caring romantic relationship. Has dating become an exercise to play-it-safe and minimize commitment? You appear interested while maintaining emotional distance from the person in front of you. Your first dates rarely progress to second dates because you hold quickly onto reasons why that person is not a good fit for you without knowing much about them.

What about your hobbies?

Are you choosing your hobbies as a crafted selection that minimizes the possibility of making a fool of yourself? Do you take classes where your performance and success is guaranteed? Are you joining groups with low expectations so you don’t feel embarrassed? 

Your friends tell you, “You could do so much more,” they say. But “more” represents uncertainty, unpredictability, and unknowns. And those are the yucky experiences you’re constantly minimizing.

Understanding Your Mind’s Protection Mode

Your mind generates an estimated 12,000-60,000 thoughts daily. Buddhist psychology teaches us that the mind’s constant activity — what the Buddha called “monkey mind” — is the natural state of your mind.

Thinking — in all forms — comes and goes.

Your mind is supposed to do three things: come up with stuff, connect stuff, and protect you from potential negative stuff.

Playing-It-Safe Feels So Compelling

You’re wired to play-it-safe by design. Your mind is wired to scan for threats, avoid risks, minimize hurt, and keep you alive, no matter what. That’s one of its jobs!

Your mind wants to keep you safe, at all costs.

You might recognize your mind’s proneness to search for safety when you think about “playing it safe” and when you make a playing-it-safe move:

• Declining a new job opportunity because it feels unfamiliar
• Avoiding social events to prevent discomfort
• Sticking to routines that feel secure but stifling
• Editing emails multiple times before sending them
• Mentally rehearsing conversations before social events
• Postponing decisions until feeling 100% certain
• Criticizing yourself as a form of preparation
• Worrying about terrible future scenarios
• Dwelling on your past mistakes
• Putting others’ needs first most of the time

This protective function of your mind is essential for your survival, isn’t a flaw, and it can be adaptive at times, but it can also get in the way of your well-being and life if you don’t check how often you’re playing-it-safe, why you do it, and how it works.

Finding Your “Middle Way”

Life often feels like a balancing act, doesn’t it?

On one side, there’s your desire for psychological safety, predictability, security, and an anxiety-free life. On the other, there’s your yearning for growth and new experiences. When you lean too far toward caution, when you play-it-safe too often, life can feel stagnant, even small. But when you rush headlong into risk, it’s easy to become overwhelmed, stressed, or burned out.

So, how do you find that sweet spot — a place where you feel safe enough to take risks that fosters your well-being?

The Middle Way and the Window of Tolerance

 
Buddhist psychology offers a timeless answer: the “Middle Way.” Modern psychology mirrors this idea with concepts like the Window of Tolerance (Siegel, 1999) and the Approach-Avoidance Balance (Elliot, 2006).

The Middle Way teaches you to find equilibrium between clinging to safety and chasing new experiences outside your comfort zone. Unlike binary thinking that pushes toward extreme responses, it advocates for a nuanced, balanced path. Imagine a tightrope walker — maintaining equilibrium requires constant, subtle adjustments rather than dramatic overcorrections. It invites you to stay present with discomfort, neither avoiding it nor rushing past it.

Imagine a sailboat crossing an ocean. The skilled navigator doesn’t fight the wind or completely surrender to its force, but skillfully adjusts the sails, finding the precise angle that harnesses the wind’s power while maintaining course. Similarly, the Middle Way is about navigating life’s emotional currents with subtle, intentional adjustments rather than dramatic struggles.

Siegel’s concept of the Window of Tolerance (1999) describes the optimal zone where you’re neither overwhelmed nor under-stimulated. In this zone, you can stay grounded while exploring new challenges. This window of tolerance represents your optimal psychological and physiological state where you can effectively respond to stress without getting lost on it. Outside this window, you experience hyperarousal or hypoarousal.

Think of your nervous system as a home’s thermostat. A perfect thermostat doesn’t blast heat when it’s slightly cold or freeze the house when it’s mildly warm. Instead, it maintains a carefully calibrated range, making minor, continuous adjustments to keep the environment comfortable and stable. Your psychological Window of Tolerance functions identically — maintaining an optimal internal climate of emotional and cognitive balance.

Elliot’s Approach-Avoidance Motivation model (2006) explores the dynamic tension between pursuing goals and protecting oneself from potential threats. Managing your well-being requires that you move toward meaningful goals (approach motivation), but it also involves that you maintain safety boundaries (avoidance motivation).

Envision for a moment a shoreline where the ocean meets the land. Waves approach — exploring new territories — but then retreat, maintaining safe boundaries.

Neither the ocean completely consumes the land nor does the land permanently block the ocean. This dynamic interaction represents an approach-avoidance mindset, where both forces are necessary and complementary.

Psychological Agility

The “Middle Way,” the Window of Tolerance, and the Approach-Avoidance Balance are not competing, but complementary approaches to psychological resilience, flexibility, and agility.

They all suggest that your well-being emerges from:

• Awareness of your internal states, comfortable and uncomfortable ones
• Willingness to experience discomfort
• Values-based risk-taking
• Flexible response to challenges
• Self-compassionate to navigate uncertainty, unpredictability, and unknowns.

The ultimate goal is developing psychological agility to move fluidly between safety and exploration when it matters and maintain inner stability while remaining open to new experiences when it’s worth it to you.

Navigating Your Mind’s Proneness to Overthink and Play-It-Safe

Here are three essential skills to help you navigate your mind’s protective patterns:

• Watch your mind
  Think of your mind as an advisory board that’s constantly generating opinions and suggestions. Instead of automatically accepting every thought as truth, practice stepping back and observing your thoughts like you’re watching a movie.

• Accept the protection mode of your mind
  Understand that your mind will always try to push you toward playing it safe. When you notice these protective thoughts arising, simply acknowledge them: “I see you’re trying to keep me safe again, mind.”

• Check the long-term impact of your actions
  When your mind urges you to play it safe, ask yourself: “If I follow this thought, will I become the person I want to be? Will these actions help me show up as the friend, partner, or professional I aspire to be?”

Reflective Questions to Explore:

1. What areas of your life feel too safe? Where might you be “playing it safe?”
2. What’s one small, meaningful risk you could take this week?
3. How can you create a sense of safety while still stepping outside of your comfort zone?

Final Words

Remember, the goal isn’t to stop playing-it-safe entirely — it’s to prevent your safety behaviors from stopping you from living.

TEDx Talk: Stop Playing-it-Safe and Start Living

A 14-min talk with over 264K views summarizes this article!

Reading Time: 3 minutes

During my visit to my friends, their 4-year-old, Mary, couldn’t wait to show me her treasures. She proudly paraded her scooter, magician’s hat, and a seemingly endless collection of toys that appeared and disappeared from her tiny hands faster than I could register them. “And this! And that!”

Then, she twirled across the white rug creating perfect pirouettes with her tiny feet.

And, out the blue, she launched into a playful pillow assault, sending fluffy projectiles flying toward my face.

“Mary, sweetheart, please be gentle when playing with Patricia. No throwing pillows at her face,” said her mom.

Little 4-year old Mary, bent forward, fixing me with those huge brown eyes that sparkled with mischief, and whispered her solution to all of life’s problems: “Patricia, just say no!

Playing It Safe: The Hidden Cost of Saying “Yes” Too Often

A common way we “play it safe” is by postponing our needs, prioritizing others, and downplaying what truly matters to us. Sound familiar?

Many of us struggle to say no, fearing we’ll upset someone, seem selfish, come across as too needy, or rock the boat too much.

But here’s the thing: saying yes to everyone else often means saying no to yourself.

What’s Holding You Back?

Take a moment to ask yourself:

• What am I afraid of happening if I say no?
• What would it feel like to trust that my boundaries are valid and worth respecting?

Don’t take me wrong. There is nothing inherently wrong with putting others’ needs first at times; in fact, it’s a key part of parenting, meaningful friendships, and loving partnerships.

But when saying yes becomes your default, your go-to response — especially because of fear or anxiety — it can take a toll. Constantly sidelining your needs to avoid conflict or please others doesn’t strengthen relationships; it strains them.

The Hidden Costs of Chronic Self-Sacrifice

Research by Dr. Julie Gottman shows that partners who consistently suppress their needs report 35% lower relationship satisfaction over time (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

A meta-analysis of relationship studies reveals that chronic self-suppression correlates with increased anxiety and depression symptoms (Johnson & Greenman, 2021).

Who likes to become smaller for a relationship to survive?

No one thrives by making themselves smaller just to keep a relationship afloat.

The Balance

Authentic relationships require give-and-take. Dr. Barbara Fredrickson calls this balance “positivity resonance” — a shared sense of connection that grows when both people feel seen, respected, and valued. Saying no, when needed, is part of that balance.

Skills to Stop Playing-It-Safe by Chronically Denying Your Values and Needs

Here are some science-based skills for you to try:

The Pause Technique

Pause for 3 seconds before responding. Research shows this pause reduces impulsive agreement by 40% (Chen, 2021).

The Sandwich Method

Structure your “no” like this: Appreciation + No + Alternative

Example
“Thanks for thinking of me (appreciation). I can’t take this on right now (no). Perhaps we could revisit this next quarter (alternative).”

Values-Based Decision Making

Before saying yes or no, ask yourself:

• • Does this align with my values?
  • Will this support my wellbeing?
  • Is this a genuine obligation?

    
    Mindful Boundary Setting
    Notice the urge to accommodate:

• • Pause for three breaths
  • Check in with your values
  • Respond authentically

    
    Use Right Speech (Samma Vaca)
    Buddhist teachings emphasize speaking truthfully and kindly.

Example
“Despite my deep wish to help, I must decline.”

The Long Game

As Dr. Sue Johnson reminds us, “The most stable relationships are not those where partners never rock the boat, but those where partners feel secure enough to navigate waves together.”

Taking action in line with your values not only improves your relationships with others, but strengthens your relationship with yourself.

So, where might you need to say no today?

Reading Time: 5 minutes

Gut feelings appear in everyday life:

• When buying gadgets: You’re drawn to an expensive gadget that “feels right,” but later realize it doesn’t meet your actual needs.
• When ordering your food: You’re at a restaurant and feel a strong urge to order comfort food, even though you’re working toward healthier eating habits.
• When being at work: A coworker’s comment triggers a wave of anger. Your gut tells you to fire off an email to defend yourself immediately. 

Gut feelings, often perceived as intuitive flashes of insight, can become especially pronounced when feeling anxious.

Anxiety heightens your bodily sensations—like a racing heart, tight chest, or stomach fluttering—leading your mind to misinterpretation of these signals as urgent calls to action. For example, before an important meeting, you might feel your chest tighten and assume it’s a warning that you’re unprepared or about to fail. 

Research by Robinson et al. (2013) found that individuals with higher anxiety levels are more prone to misinterpreting neutral or benign physical sensations as signs of danger, often resulting in avoidant behaviors.

In social situations, anxiety can amplify gut feelings, creating a false sense of immediate threat. Imagine being invited to a gathering where you know only a few people; your gut might tell you to decline because the thought of small talk triggers nervousness.

These sensations, while real, aren’t always reliable indicators of what you should do next. Instead, these bodily sensations often reflect what researchers like Damasio (1994) call “somatic markers” – emotional signals tied to past experiences that influence your choices.

While somatic markers, along with gut feelings, can guide you, they’re not foolproof.

The overrated power of gut feelings

The cultural narrative around trusting your gut has become pervasive, often portrayed as a hallmark of confidence, decisiveness, and authentic living. But, research shows that intuition isn’t always as reliable as it seems.

Here is what affective science says about gut feelings: 

• A study conducted by Dane et al. (2012) indicated that despite conventional knowledge about the power of hunches, there is no relationship between individuals trusting their gut feelings and the accuracy of them when making a decision.
• Nordgren et al. (2014) highlighted the phenomenon of “introspection illusion,” where people believe their gut feelings are more accurate than they truly are. Their findings suggest that gut decisions, especially in ambiguous or high-pressure situations, often reflect biases and emotional noise rather than clear reasoning.

For every success story—a hunch that leads to a brilliant career move—there are countless moments where gut instincts lead to poor choices.

The science of gut feelings: When to trust your gut!

Intuition is not inherently bad; Dane et al. (2012) found that gut feelings are accurate only when paired with a strong foundation of domain-specific experience. Similarly, research conducted by Simon et al. (2013) demonstrated that while gut feelings can be helpful in rapid decision-making, their accuracy depends heavily on the individual’s expertise.

For example, an experienced paramedic may instinctively recognize life-threatening symptoms because they’ve encountered similar scenarios countless times. However, a novice paramedic in the same situation might misinterpret their gut instinct and overlook critical data.

Gut feelings can be a powerful ally when informed by experience. Outside of such conditions—expertise and context—gut feelings make you prone to cognitive biases and emotional reasoning.

A practical strategy for distinguishing your anxious gut feelings from values-based choices

Your body’s natural gut response to anxiety—whether it’s a tight chest, racing thoughts, or a churning stomach—often creates emotional noise. This noise demands immediate attention, pulls you toward quick fixes, and screams at you to do something right here, right now.

In contrast, emotional wisdom is quieter, softer, and subtle. It’s like a gentle whisper from the heart, un susurro del corazón. Emotional wisdom—the whispers from your heart—doesn’t shout or insist; instead, it offers a steady nudge toward what truly matters to you. This whisper guides you toward decisions that reflect your deeper values, even when those choices require sitting with discomfort or uncertainty.

For example, before a job interview, your body noise might scream, “You’re not ready! Cancel!” This tight chest and restless energy are likely your body’s way of preparing for a meaningful challenge, not proof that you should back out. Emotional wisdom, on the other hand, whispers, “Yes, this feels hard, but it’s important. You’ve prepared for this moment, and it’s worth showing up.”

Reflective questions to navigate gut feelings

1. Pause before acting on your gut feelings

Research by Stillman et al. (2017) highlights the value of “emotional distancing” in decision-making. Taking even a few moments to breathe and step back creates space for you to evaluate what’s driving your choices.

Reflective questions:

• Am I feeling pressured to act immediately, or can I give myself time to reflect?
• What might change if I waited a few minutes, hours, or even days before deciding?
• Does this choice feel reactive or does it reflect my values-based intentions?
• Is this decision based on what I truly need or is it driven by a temporary feeling?
• Am I seeking comfort, relief, or validation from this choice?

2. Label your feelings

Feldman Barrett (2017) found that naming your emotions—such as “I feel anxious” or “I feel uncertain”—helps clarify whether they are signals for action or emotional noise to observe. 

Reflective questions:

• What specific emotion am I feeling right now and where do I notice it in my body?
• Is this emotion telling me something important or is it tied to a past fear or worry?
• How might this feeling shift if I simply acknowledge and name it?

3. Check for your expertise

Gut feelings are more reliable when grounded in experience. As Gigerenzer (2014) suggests, gut feelings work best in familiar situations where expertise has been developed over time.

Reflective questions:

• Have I encountered a situation like this before? What did I learn from it?
• Am I relying on my gut feeling because I feel confident or because I feel overwhelmed?

4. Align with your values

Baumeister et al. (2013) demonstrated that decisions driven by long-term values and goals, rather than immediate emotions, enhance well-being.

Reflective questions:

• Does this decision reflect the person I want to be?
• How will I feel about this choice tomorrow, next week, or a year from now?
• Does this action bring me closer to my values or move me further away?

Final Thoughts

Your gut feelings are an important part of your emotional landscape, but they’re not always a reliable compass for decision-making or values-based choices. The goal isn’t to silence your gut feelings, but to listen with discernment: are your gut feelings emotional noise or susurros del corazón—whispers from your heart?

Personal note

This article was inspired by a walk along the shores of Punta Mita, Mexico as I was reminded of the richness of growing up and living in Bolivia half of my life and the lyrical—almost singing—rhythm of every Spanish word.

More resources

Book to read: Escaping the Emotional Roller Coaster.

Reading Time: 5 minutes

You’re ready to make a change in your home; you’re envisioning a cozy sofa to make your living room a space for relaxation. You dive in enthusiastically, exploring every option: different materials, colors, textures, and brands. Samples arrive, and you test them thoroughly at different times of the day, apply different products to check the fabric resistance and take photos of them with different lights. You visit stores, sit on countless sofas, analyze dimensions, and take many photos.

Finally, after weeks of back-and-forth, you click “place order.”

But then, doubt creeps in.

You second-guess your choice. Maybe the brown chair isn’t the right fit.

You quickly change the order, keeping the sofa, but dropping the chair.

Still unsure, you revisit the website and consider a completely different color – the soft brown one that caught your eye earlier. Then, you try to place the order and call the company.

• That soft brown color? Discontinued.
• “Discontinued forever?”
• “Yes,” says the customer service representative.

You hang up the phone.

You feel stunned, disappointed, and overwhelmed by regret.

This is decision paralysis. And you’re not alone.

Why it’s so Hard to Decide

Indecision isn’t just about not knowing what to do—it’s often rooted in the fear of making the wrong choice. We put immense pressure on ourselves to “get it right,” focusing so intensely on avoiding mistakes, missing out on better opportunities, or finding the “correct” decision that we lose sight of the bigger picture.

This fear often leads us to overanalyze, endlessly searching for information in hopes of uncovering the perfect solution or eliminating any chance of future regret.

According to the research of Dr. Ellen Langer, indecision often stems from being trapped in mindlessness. Her work emphasizes that indecision thrives when we rely on rigid, habitual thinking patterns rather than staying open to new perspectives and possibilities.

What is Decision Agility?

Decision agility is your ability to make decisions effectively, adapting to new information and changing circumstances without becoming stuck in emotional or cognitive rigidity.

Annie Duke, a professional poker player and decision strategist, highlights that decision agility isn’t about making flawless choices. Instead, it’s about cultivating a process that maximizes learning, reduces bias, and allows for flexibility as new data becomes available.

Building decision agility isn’t about achieving perfection—it’s about learning to pivot, staying receptive to new insights, and ensuring your choices remain aligned with your core values.

Playing-It-Safe Moves Related to Decision-Making

Did you know that much of what we decide daily isn’t a true “decision” at all? Often, our choices are unconscious reactions—quick assumptions made by our mind to reduce uncertainty or discomfort.

Our incredible minds are always working hard to keep us safe and comfortable.

Researchers studying decision-making often call these tendencies “cognitive biases.” I like to think of them as playing-it-safe moves, strategies designed to protect us from discomfort now or in the future. Who doesn’t play it safe sometimes?

It’s completely understandable to want more information or to focus on what you already know, especially in anxiety-provoking or uncertain situations. But there’s a critical distinction: How often do you rely on playing-it-safe moves, and are these habits helping or hindering you from living your personal values?

Here are some of the most common playing-it-safe tendencies related to decisions, how they show up in your life, and reflective questions to help you make values-based choices.

Confirmation Bias

Definition
The tendency to seek, interpret, and remember information that supports pre-existing beliefs (Nickerson, 1998).

Example
Imagine you’re considering buying an electric car. If you believe it’s the most eco-friendly choice, you might focus only on articles praising its low emissions and ignore those highlighting environmental costs of battery production.

Reflective Questions

• Am I giving equal weight to opposing evidence?
• How might someone with an opposite perspective interpret this?
• What would I need to see to change my mind?

Hindsight Bias

Definition
The tendency to perceive past events as predictable after they have occurred (Roese & Vohs, 2012).

Example
Imagine you didn’t prepare for a sudden rainstorm during a picnic, thinking the weather forecast looked good. When it starts raining, you say, “I knew this would happen!” In reality, your confidence about the likelihood of rain only surfaced after it occurred.

Reflective Questions

• Am I basing this judgment on hindsight rather than foresight?
• How might I prepare better next time without unfairly criticizing my past self?

Loss Aversion

Definition
The fear of losses outweighs the joy of equivalent gains (Kahneman & Tversky, 1979).

Example

• A professional might avoid leaving a stable but unfulfilling job for fear of instability, even when a new role offers significant potential.
• You resist selling an old car that requires frequent repairs because accepting the loss feels worse than gaining peace of mind from a new vehicle.

Reflective Questions

• What opportunities might I miss if I cling on to this loss?
• How would I advise a friend in the same situation?
• Am I prioritizing avoiding regret over pursuing growth?

Sunk Cost Fallacy

Definition
Continuing an endeavor because of prior investment, even when it’s no longer beneficial.

Example
Continuing to watch a boring movie because you’ve already watched half of it.

Reflective Questions

• What would I advise a friend to do in this situation?
• Am I sticking with this just because I’ve invested time or money?
• If I hadn’t already invested time, money, or effort into this, would I still choose it today?
• What other opportunities am I missing by sticking with this decision?
• Would a fresh start in this situation open up better possibilities?
• Am I holding on because of the effort I’ve already put in, rather than the value I’m receiving now?
• Am I continuing because I feel guilty, ashamed, or afraid of admitting a mistake?
• If someone else were in my position, what advice would I give them?
• What have I gained or learned from this commitment, and how can I use it moving forward?
• What would someone without my emotional attachment to this situation suggest?

Status Quo Bias

Definition
A preference for maintaining current circumstances rather than making changes, even when the change is beneficial (Samuelson & Zeckhauser, 1988).

Example
You stick with the same cable TV provider despite higher costs because switching feels like too much hassle, even though it could save money.

Reflective Questions

• What is the cost of staying where I am?
• Is my resistance to change rooted in fear or inertia?
• What small step could I take to test this new option?

Last Words on Decisions

• Decisions are rarely final
  Think of decisions not as immovable monuments, but as stepping stones on your life.

• Embrace flexibility when making choices
  Life changes, and so can you. Let go of the pressure to make “perfect” decisions.

• Decisions are rarely permanent
  Choices often feel heavier than they truly are. Most decisions are adjustable and open doors to learning, growth, and new opportunities.

• Decisions are context-based
  Every decision reflects a specific moment in time—your needs, your values, and your circumstances. And as those moments shift, so, too, can your choices. This is the essence of psychological flexibility: the ability to adapt your actions when circumstances change.

• Decisions are about exploration
  Think of each decision as an experiment. It’s less about “getting it right” and more about “seeing what’s possible.” Each choice is a chance to discover, learn, and grow.

Esther Perel beautifully says, “The quality of your life is defined by the quality of your relationships.” To build on that, I’d say, “The quality of your life is deeply influenced by the quality of your choices.”

Every choice you make—big or small—has the potential to shape your path, your relationships, and your sense of purpose. When you’re faced with a decision, take a moment to reflect: Does this choice align with the values that matter most to me? Will it help create the kind of life I want to live?

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Nikko steps into a small, cozy coffee shop nestled in a quiet corner of the city. The scent of freshly brewed coffee fills the air, mixed with the sweet aroma of pastries.

Cold Play plays in the background.

The barista, a cheerful young woman with a warm smile, greets Nikko as he approaches the counter.

Barista: “Our coffee machine is broken, my apologies. I can only offer you any of our teas.”

“I’ve never tried their tea. If I’m going to try it, I should ask exactly how it’s prepared.  I wish I could be sure I’d like the tea before ordering it. What if I don’t like it?” Nikko’s interpreter thinks as he leans slightly forward.

“If I’m hesitant about ordering tea, it must mean that I’m not meant to try their tea.”

He straightens up, frowns slightly, and tells the barista, “Thank you. I’d rather come back when your coffee machine is working.”

The concept of openness

Researchers like McCrae and Costa (1987), describe openness as a quality that encourages us to see things in new ways and be receptive to different ideas. It’s about being willing to appreciate life experiences as they happen.

Openness is about saying, “Let’s see where this leads.”

But when encountering the “new,” anxiety-based reactions may create an initial hesitation, shrink your actions, and tell you to go back to what you know.

Being open doesn’t mean eliminating anxiety or the proneness to play-it-safe; it’s also more than just trying new activities. It’s about approaching things a step beyond what’s familiar and welcoming the new as part of life.

Misconceptions about openness

You may wonder, is openness the same as saying yes to everything? No.

You don’t need to rush into every new experience, that’s reckless.

You can approach the ones you choose to participate in with “beginner’s eyes” and in the service of who you want to be.

Openness isn’t about changing who you are, it’s about embracing who you are capable of becoming. It’s an invitation to live more fully.

So, the next time anxiety nudges you toward the familiar, remind yourself that life lies in the unexpected.

Exercises to Practice Openness in Your Daily Life

1. Start Small with New Experiences

Choose a new dish at a favorite restaurant or explore a different hiking route. 

2. Go Beyond Hearing Someone’s Words

Notice their tone, body language, and emotions. Ask follow-up questions like, “What makes this important to you?” 

3. Say “Yes” to One New Experience Weekly

Accept an invitation that feels slightly outside your comfort zone

4. Learn Something New

Pick a subject you’ve always been curious about and dedicate time to explore it.

5. Revisit an Old Fear-Based Situation

Identify something you’ve avoided in the past and take one small step towards approaching it, if it takes you close to be the person you want to be.

Reading Time: 4 minutes

It was finally time to give road biking shoes a try.

I’d heard all about the benefits—better pedaling efficiency, smoother movement, and that elusive “aerodynamic” feel that cyclists rave about. But stepping into those shoes, both literally and figuratively, was about more than cycling; it was about stepping outside of my comfort zone.

The key to a good cycling shoe, I’d learned, is that it fits snugly but doesn’t pinch anywhere. After trying on a few pairs and searching for just the right size, I finally landed on a sleek pair of white Italian shoes that felt just right—as if they were made for me. 

Comfortable, supportive, and stylish. I was ready to roll.

Here’s the thing about road biking shoes: they’re designed to clip directly into the pedals, locking your feet in place. It’s like snowboarding—you’re securely attached, and it also means your reflexes need to adjust. 

Before you stop, you have to twist your foot to unclip. Otherwise, well… your feet stay firmly attached to the bike, and gravity quickly takes over.

I headed to the bike shop to get the matching pedals installed. Once everything was set up, I climbed onto the bike inside the store to test them out. And then it happened.

I fell. Hard.

In less than 30 seconds, I hit the hardwood floor. 

I got back up, clipped in again, and started pedaling. This time, I lasted about 20 seconds before I was on the floor again. 

Over the next ten minutes, even with help, I couldn’t unclip fast enough before losing balance.

My legs were a patchwork of fresh bruises.

What if I couldn’t get the hang of this? What if I fell during a ride and seriously hurt myself? My brain was already compiling a list of reasons to abandon the shoes altogether. 

Here’s the kicker: I’d signed up for a group ride that was starting in just ten minutes.

Standing there, I had a choice to make.

What would you have done in my shoes?

The science behind psychological flexibility

Psychological flexibility refers to the ability to adapt your actions and responses based on the situation at hand. In essence, it’s about being open to adjusting your behavior in a way that aligns with your values, even when faced with new or uncomfortable external situations or internal uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, sensations, urges, memories, or emotions.

In positive psychology, research shows that psychological flexibility is strongly linked to well-being, resilience, and life satisfaction. A study by Tami Kim and colleagues (2020) found that people who were more flexible in their behavior were better able to handle stressful situations; participants also reported higher levels of happiness and greater ability to maintain relationships during difficult times.

You need to be curious to be psychologically flexible

Kashdan and colleagues, through the development of the Curiosity and Exploration Inventory-II (2009), identified two critical dimensions of curiosity: stretching – the active pursuit of novel and challenging experiences – and embracing – the capacity to tolerate and even thrive amidst uncertainty and ambiguity. 

Think about this: when you try something unfamiliar, you’re stretching. It might feel awkward or even nerve-wracking at first, but each step helps you grow. At the same time, embracing asks you to lean into the “what-if thoughts” of that experience without retreating.

When you stretch yourself outside of your comfort zone and make room for the uncomfortable feelings that come along with an open attitude, you strengthen the muscle of psychological flexibility that is central to value-driven living.

Everyday situations for you to practice psychological flexibility

Imagine you’re in a meeting, and your colleague brings up an idea you hadn’t considered before. Initially, you might feel worried or uncertain about it, especially if it challenges your assumptions or routines. But instead of rejecting the idea outright, you take a moment to listen carefully and reflect on what you heard.

Think about a situation where your boss asks you to take on a new project or shift the way you’re approaching an existing one. You might feel overwhelmed, and you could try approaching the situation with curiosity. Instead of quickly saying, “I’m too busy” or “That’s not how we’ve always done it,” you could think about how this new project aligns with your professional strengths or career values. 

Suppose you’re at a family gathering, and an uncomfortable conversation arises – perhaps about a political issue or a sensitive topic. You might want to pause and ask questions, seeking to understand the other person’s point of view even if you disagree with it. 

Why behavioral flexibility matters for your mental health and well-being

Psychological flexibility isn’t just about changing what you do—it’s about making conscious choices that reflect your personal values. 

When you practice behavioral flexibility, you are better equipped to manage stress and anxiety because they approach situations with a more open mindset, ready to pivot and adjust when needed. This makes them less likely to fall into the trap of rigid, unhelpful thinking patterns that can contribute to depression or chronic worry.

The bottom line about psychological flexibility

Psychological flexibility isn’t just a skill—it’s a mindset that helps you navigate the complexities of life and enables you to thrive, even in uncertain or stressful situations.

What happened?

Cycling has always been my happy place. It gets me outside, clears my mind, and keeps my body moving. I love the challenge of a steep hill or a long-distance ride.

I’m not training for the Tour de France; I cycle because it feels grounding.

So, I ended up riding with two different shoes.