Table for one, the ultimate exposure

Table for one, the ultimate exposure

Reading Time: 3 minutes

As I strolled down the narrow, sunlit street next to the Mediterranean in Naxos, Greece, I could feel the warmth of the sun, hear the light laughter of teenagers nearby, and breathe in the salty ocean air.

The world around me seemed to hum with life.

The ocean has always, always, always been a source of comfort for me. It was one of those precious moments—when everything feels in sync, and the world is exactly as it should be.

Then, my stomach interrupted with a growl.

It remind me that even the most peaceful moments are accompanied by the mundane. I paused and looked around.

That’s when I spotted it: a cozy little Greek restaurant tucked away on the side of the street.

  • Me: Approaching the hostess, “Can I get a table for one?”
  • Waitress: “A table for one?  while raising an eyebrow with a soft smile, “but… someone else is joining you later, right?”
  • Me: “No, no one is coming.”
  • Waitress:  “Are you sure? – gesturing to the empty table.  We could set the table for two and wait.”
  • Me: “Thank you, but no one else is coming.” 
  • Waitress:  “How come? She takes a deep breath, are you eating alone?”
  • Me:  Yes, I am eating alone.”
  • Waitress: “I can leave the forks for another person, if you want.”
  • Me: “Thank you, but it’s not necessary,” I answer, with a soft smile.

The waitress’ question lingered in the air.

Imagine all the conversations, people, situations, activities, hobbies, or objects you’ve avoided for years because the unfamiliarity feels daunting. Facing our fears isn’t just about confronting big fears – it’s about making space for discomfort in everyday moments.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), exposure is more than tackling anxieties, worries, and fears; it’s about doing so in the service of what truly matters to you.

ACT redefines exposure by focusing on your core values, not just symptom reduction. Instead of forcing your fears, worries, and anxieties away, it invites you to lean into discomfort while embracing your personal “why.” That’s why I refer to these practices as values-based exposure exercises.

Facing our fears can often feel like standing on the edge of a deep cliff, wondering whether it’s safe to jump. But, here’s the thing, approaching your worries, fears, and anxieties is a way to live in alignment with what you care about, not just a tool to eliminate fear.

An invitation for you

What about taking yourself to eat alone without a cell phone, book, or anything to distract yourself, but as an invitation to be with yourself and anything that shows up under your skin?

Exposure isn’t just about confronting big fears—it’s about facing discomfort in everyday moments.

Sitting alone at a table for one can be your values-based exposure.

Resources to practice values-based exposure exercises

(a) A comprehensive guide to read: Facing your fears

This guide includes five parts:

Part 1: What are values-based exposure exercises?

Part 2: How to create your values-based exposure menu?

Part 3: What are the different types of exposure exercises you can practice?

Part 4: Where do you start?

Part 5: What to do when practicing a values-based exposure exercise?

Click here to read full guide: Facing your fears.

(b) 1-minute video to watch: The purpose of values-based exposures

 

(c) Podcast to listen to: How to engage in values-based behaviors when feeling anxious

Popular Anxiety Tips That Actually Make It Worse

Popular Anxiety Tips That Actually Make It Worse

1. “Just think positive!”

The research conducted by Wood and colleagues found that while positive self-statements might be beneficial for individuals with high self-esteem, they can have the opposite effect on those with low self-esteem.

When people with low self-esteem try to force themselves to think positively, it can actually backfire, leading to increased anxiety and self-doubt. This is because the positive affirmations are inconsistent with their existing self-beliefs, causing internal conflict.

The findings challenge the simplistic notion that “just thinking positive” is universally beneficial and underscore the importance of a more nuanced approach to mental health interventions, particularly for individuals struggling with anxiety and self-esteem issues.

  • Study: Wood, J. V., Perunovic, W. Q. E., & Lee, J. W. (2009). Positive self-statements: Power for some, peril for others. Psychological Science, 20(7), 860-866.

2. “Mind over matter.”

Daniel Wegner’s work on ironic process theory demonstrates that attempting to control or suppress unwanted thoughts can paradoxically make them more persistent. For example, trying not to think about something can cause that thought to dominate one’s mind, leading to heightened anxiety.

This finding contradicts the “mind over matter” philosophy, which suggests that we can simply will ourselves to overcome challenges by forcefully controlling our thoughts. Wegner’s research highlights the limitations of mental control and suggests that acceptance-based approaches, which allow thoughts to come and go without trying to control them, may be more effective in managing anxiety.

  • Study: Wegner, D. M. (1994). Ironic processes of mental control. Psychological Review, 101(1), 34-52.

3. “Push through your anxiety.”

Mann and Ward’s research suggests that while pushing through pain and discomfort can sometimes lead to short-term gains, it can also result in long-term harm, particularly when the underlying causes of stress or pain are not addressed. This “push through” mentality can lead to burnout, injury, or exacerbation of anxiety symptoms, particularly in high-stress environments.

The study advocates for a more balanced approach to self-regulation that involves recognizing limits, taking breaks, and addressing the root causes of pain and anxiety, rather than simply forcing oneself to continue through discomfort.

  • Study: Mann, T., & Ward, A. (2007). Attention, self-control, and health behaviors. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 16(5), 280-283.

4. “You can control your thoughts.”

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), developed by Steven C. Hayes and his colleagues, challenges the idea that we can or should control our thoughts. The ACT model posits that trying to control or suppress unwanted thoughts often leads to increased psychological distress. Instead, ACT encourages individuals to accept their thoughts and feelings as they are, without judgment or the need to change them, and to focus on taking actions that are consistent with their values.

This approach has been shown to be effective in reducing anxiety and improving psychological flexibility, as it reduces the struggle against unwanted thoughts and fosters a more adaptive relationship with them.

  • Study: Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An experiential approach to behavior change. Guilford Press.

5. “Fake it till you make it.”

Lerner and Keltner’s research on the effects of emotions like fear and anger on decision-making suggests that “faking it” can sometimes lead to emotional dissonance, where there is a disconnect between how one feels internally and how one is expected to behave externally. This dissonance can exacerbate anxiety and lead to poor decision-making, particularly in high-stress situations.

The study challenges the idea that simply “faking” confidence or calmness is an effective strategy, as it can increase stress and anxiety when the external façade does not match internal feelings. A more effective approach might involve acknowledging and managing one’s genuine emotions rather than pretending they don’t exist.

  • Study: Lerner, J. S., & Keltner, D. (2001). Fear, anger, and risk. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 81(1), 146-159.

6. “Don’t worry, be happy.”

Moskowitz and Epel’s research suggests that while maintaining a positive outlook can be beneficial, the simplistic message of “Don’t worry, be happy” can be problematic because it encourages the suppression of negative emotions and invalidates genuine experiences of stress and anxiety.

Their work highlights the importance of finding meaning and growth in adversity, rather than merely trying to avoid or suppress negative emotions. By embracing a more balanced perspective that acknowledges both positive and negative experiences, individuals are better equipped to manage anxiety and build resilience.

  • Study: Moskowitz, J. T., & Epel, E. S. (2006). Benefit finding and growth following adversity: The challenge of finding meaning. Positive Psychology in Practice, 145-158.

7. “You just need to try harder.”

Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset challenges the notion that effort alone is sufficient to overcome challenges. Her work shows that while effort is important, a focus on learning and adaptability is equally crucial. The “try harder” message can be damaging when it leads individuals to believe that failure is due to a lack of effort rather than a need for new strategies or skills.

In the context of anxiety, this message can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and helplessness, as individuals may feel they are not trying hard enough when they struggle with anxiety, rather than recognizing the need for different approaches or support.

  • Study: Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.

8. “Push through the anxiety.”

Baumeister’s research on self-regulation highlights the risks of overcommitting and pushing through pain without addressing underlying issues. Overcommitment can lead to burnout and decreased effectiveness in managing stress and anxiety. The “push through” mentality may work in the short term, but it often leads to long-term negative consequences, including chronic stress, anxiety, and physical health problems.

The study advocates for a more balanced approach that includes recognizing limits, taking breaks, and practicing self-care, rather than simply pushing through pain and discomfort.

  • Study: Baumeister, R. F., et al. (2007). The destructive nature of overcommitment: Behavior, motivation, and self-regulation in high-stress situations. American Psychologist, 62(3), 207-215.

9. “Anxiety is all in your head.”

Kessler’s study provides evidence that anxiety disorders have significant biological, genetic, and psychological components, challenging the notion that anxiety is merely “all in your head.”

The research shows that anxiety disorders are common and can have a profound impact on individuals’ lives, requiring a comprehensive approach to treatment that addresses both mental and physical aspects. The idea that anxiety is just a matter of willpower or mindset ignores the complexity of these disorders and can lead to stigmatization and inadequate treatment.

  • Study: Kessler, R. C., et al. (2005). Lifetime prevalence and age-of-onset distributions of DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Archives of General Psychiatry, 62(6), 593-602.

10. “Anxiety is something you should avoid at all costs.”

Kashdan and McKnight’s research suggests that avoiding anxiety can lead to a diminished sense of purpose and life satisfaction. Their study on social anxiety disorder found that those who commit to a meaningful purpose in life are better able to manage anxiety.

The message that anxiety should be avoided at all costs is questioned by their findings, which suggest that facing anxiety in the pursuit of meaningful goals can lead to personal growth and fulfillment. Avoidance behaviors, on the other hand, can reinforce anxiety and limit one’s ability to live a rich and purposeful life.

  • Study: Kashdan, T. B., & McKnight, P. E. (2013). Commitment to a purpose in life: An antidote to the suffering by individuals with social anxiety disorder. Emotion, 13(6), 1150-1159.

11. “Positive thinking can fix your anxieties.”

Aspinwall and Brunhart’s research highlights the limitations of positive thinking, especially when it involves ignoring or downplaying negative information. While optimism can be beneficial, an overemphasis on positive thinking can lead to denial of problems and inadequate coping strategies. The idea that positive thinking can cure everything is overly simplistic and can prevent individuals from addressing real issues that require attention.

A balanced approach that includes a realistic assessment of challenges, along with positive thinking, is more effective in managing anxiety and promoting mental health. This approach allows for constructive problem-solving and better emotional regulation.

  • Study: Aspinwall, L. G., & Brunhart, S. M. (2000). What I do know won’t hurt me: Optimism, attention to negative information, coping, and health. Psychological Bulletin, 127(1), 99-127.

12. “Anxiety is a choice.”

The notion that “anxiety is a choice” is fundamentally challenged by research conducted by Hofmann and his colleagues. Their review of anxiety disorders highlights the complex interplay of genetic, neurological, and environmental factors that contribute to the development and persistence of anxiety. Anxiety is not simply a matter of choice; rather, it is a deeply ingrained response that can be influenced by biological predispositions and life experiences.

The study emphasizes that while individuals can choose how to respond to anxiety, the initial experience of anxiety is not a matter of personal choice but a natural and often automatic reaction to perceived threats. Further, the belief that anxiety is a choice can lead to self-blame and exacerbate the condition.

Hofmann’s work supports a more compassionate approach, recognizing that anxiety is a common human experience that can be managed with evidence-based treatments like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness-based interventions. These treatments focus on helping individuals develop healthier responses to anxiety rather than perpetuating the myth that anxiety is merely a choice to be willed away.

  • Study: Hofmann, S. G., et al. (2012). The nature and treatment of anxiety disorders. Clinical Psychological Review.
5 Ways to Harnessing the power of values-based exposures

5 Ways to Harnessing the power of values-based exposures

Today’s episode takes off with discussing fears of driving. This is the starting point to examine a key process within acceptance commitment therapy: values-based exposures.

In this episode, you will learn the principles to approach your fears, worries, and anxieties flexibly and in the service of your values.

Brian Thompson, Ph.D. and I covered different ACT skills such as defusion, values, willingness and what you can do if you’re getting stuck in conquering your fears or you’re afraid of starting the process of facing your anxieties.

Key Takeaways

  • What is willingness
  • How to deal with uncertainty
  • What to do when you’re powering through a fearful situation
  • What is exposure
  • Understanding fear-based reactions and safe behaviors
  • Exploring the concept of exposure in overcoming fear
  • Dealing with physical sensations during fearful situations
  • The role of acceptance and commitment therapy in overcoming fear
  • Understanding the concept of willingness in therapy
  • Addressing fear of uncertainty and unpredictability
  • Introduction to the upcoming book on act-informed exposure for anxiety
  • Understanding act and exposure
  • Dealing with chronic worry
  • Effective problem solving vs. worry

About Brian Thompson, Ph.D.

As a licensed psychologist and Director of the Portland Psychotherapy Anxiety Clinic, Brian specializes in evidence-based treatment for problems related to anxiety, stress, and worry. His specialty areas include obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD—including Pure “O” and relationship OCD), repetitive hair pulling (trichotillomania) and skin picking (excoriation), and trauma/PTSD. Additionally, Brian works with panic and health anxiety (aka, hypochondriasis).

In Brian’s therapeutic approach, he mainly draws from a newer cognitive behavioral treatment, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT, said as one word, “act”), which he values for its broad flexibility and commitment to scientific rigor. Additionally, Brian often flexibly incorporates exposure therapy in treatment.

The clients with whom he tends to work best are those interested in an active approach to learning skills to more effectively deal with barriers to living meaningful lives. Much of what he does in the beginning of treatment is to help people learn tangible skills to more effectively relate to their difficulties, clarify meaningful goals and directions, and identify concrete steps that may help you move towards what’s most important to you.

exposures values acceptance uncertainty anxiety worry fear

Resources

Resources from Dr. Z.’s desk

Show notes with time stamps

00:31 Understanding Fear-Based Reactions and Safe Behaviors
01:00 Exploring Exposure Therapy and Anxiety
01:09 Dealing with Physical Sensations During Panic Attacks
02:44 Strategies to Manage Anxiety and Fear
03:39 Addressing Intrusive Thoughts and Fears
04:16 Understanding Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
07:33 Exploring Willingness in Therapy
14:28 Addressing Fear of Uncertainty
17:28 Introduction to ACT-Informed Exposure for Anxiety
19:19 Discussing the Book and Its Approach
19:44 Recommendations for Approaching the Book
19:45 Understanding the Process of Exposure
20:38 The Role of Repetition in Exposure
21:37 Handling Chronic Worries and Ruminations
22:12 Using ACT for Chronic Worry
23:11 Writing Imaginal Scripts for Worries
26:13 Effective Problem Solving vs. Worry
26:50 Distinguishing Between Productive and Unproductive Worry

Listen Here

Apple
Spotify

What maintains a psychological struggle?

What maintains a psychological struggle?

  • If anxiety is a part of our day to day life, if we hold on to the framework that to be human is to be anxious, how did anxiety ever become a problem?
  • How do you go from worrying about not being good enough to chronic states of worry?
  • How do you go from feeling uncomfortable taking the elevator to developing an elevator phobia?

What maintains a psychological struggle?

And what are the skills – the core skills – that you can learn to navigate those anxious moments and get back into your life?

Short-term fixes that help us avoid or numb our emotions may temporarily alleviate our internal discomfort, but the same responses can also end up causing anxiety, depression, chronic anger, and even physical health problems.

In this episode, I chat with Matthew Mckay, Ph.D.

Key Takeaways

  • The difference between rumination and worry
  • Repetitive negative thinking as a process
  • What is a transdiagnostic process
  • How anxiety becomes a problem in our life
  • What is a safety-seeking behavior
  • Process-based changes

About Matthew

Matthew McKay, Ph.D., cofounder of New Harbinger Publications, joins us to talk about evidence-based resources and the ever-changing landscape of therapy. Matthew is a professor at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA. He has authored and co-authored numerous books, including The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, Self-Esteem, and Couple Skills, which have sold more than four million copies combined. He received his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the California School of Professional Psychology and specializes in the cognitive behavioral treatment of anxiety and depression.

psychological struggle
How to engage in values-based behaviors when feeling anxious

How to engage in values-based behaviors when feeling anxious

  • Do you remember last week when your mind was criticizing you and asking you to play-it-safe?

Using Acceptance and Commitment Skills, you are always invited to bring awareness to your internal experiences, especially when you are feeling stuck in a habit or unhelpful behavioral patterns such as overthinking, procrastinating, or others.

You are also invited to figure out your values and take action toward what truly matters to you, especially when feeling emotional discomfort.

In this episode, Julian McNally, M. Psych. and I discuss those values-based actions when your mind tries to convince you to engage in old behavioral patterns.

Key Takeaways

  • Creative Hopelessness
  • Values-based behaviors
  • Values-based exposures
  • Notice approaching versus avoidant behaviors
  • How to practice acceptance of messy moments
  • Focus on your doing your best, not being the best
  • Focusing on what is happening right now instead of the why

About Julian McNally

Julian McNally has practiced counseling psychology since 1995. He trained in client-centered and solution-oriented approaches before discovering Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in 2003. The mindfulness components of ACT harmonized with his long standing interest in Zen Buddhism and Taoism (Julian was a Tai Chi instructor for six years).

Shortly after reading Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by Hayes, Strosahl and Wilson, Julian started developing the world’s first online audio ACT training resource, 6 ACT Conversations through RMIT University (online at http://emedia.rmit.edu.au/communication/).

This resource has been utilized and cited by many ACT trainers, practitioners and their clients, and is featured in a chapter Julian co-authored in the New Harbinger book, Mindfulness and Acceptance for Counseling College Students. As well as seeing individuals for counseling, Julian also supervises other ACT practitioners in Melbourne, and throughout Australia and internationally (Google Meet, Skype, Zoom or phone) and is principal psychologist at Melbourne’s first ACT center, The ACT of Living.

social perfectionism, values-based behaviors

Resources

Resources from Dr. Z.

Show notes with time-stamps

01:00 Exploring Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
01:39 Values-Based Actions and Behavioral Science Insights
04:59 Personal Journey: Acting, Stage Fright, and Self-Acceptance
12:45 Clown Class: Learning to Embrace Humor and Vulnerability
16:54 Embracing Mistakes and Moving Forward
 

Listen Here

Apple
Spotify

How to make decisions and values-based choices when feeling anxious

How to make decisions and values-based choices when feeling anxious

One of the things we know is that when anxiety’s pressing, we immediately start anticipating the negative outcomes, get concerned about not knowing what the outcome will be, or may dwell on past decisions. Different research labs have shown that anxiety by nature increases our attention to the negatives of a situation.

Sometimes, you may have caught all those anxiety-driven thoughts. Other times, you may quickly make decisions based on all of them. Of course, no human being wants to make poor choices. We want to minimize all the negative outcomes, but that can be really difficult, and sometimes, we are going to be confused.

In this conversation with Brad Stulberg, we discuss the different skills to manage decision-anxiety and make values-based choices in your day-to-day life.

Key Takeaways

  • How to create long-lasting change in your life
  • How your actions precede your moods, not the other way around
  • How to practice acceptance in your daily life
  • Values-based decisions versus anxious-based decisions
  • Decision anxiety
  • How to practice self-distancing when facing a decision
  • Decision anxiety when dating
  • Commitment phobias
  • Overfitting when making decisions
  • Destiny belief mindset

About Brad Stulberg

Brad Stulberg’s work explores principles of mastery and well-being that transcend capabilities and domains. Brad is particularly interested in the philosophical and psychological foundations of excellence, and the habits and practices necessary to attain it. He is an author of the book The Practice of Groundedness and coauthor of the books Peak Performance and The Passion Paradox. These books explore the art, science, and practice of motivation, values-driven excellence, and maximizing one’s potential—all the while realizing a more fulfilling and sustainable kind of success. He writes about these concepts on The Growth Equation, his popular blog and multimedia platform. He is a regular contributor at The New York Times, and his work has also been featured in The Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, New Yorker, Time, Los Angeles Times, Wired, New York Magazine, Sports Illustrated, and more. He is also a contributing editor to Outside Magazine. In his coaching practice, he intimately partners with clients to apply the principles about which he writes.

Resources 

Resources from Dr. Z

Listen Here

Apple
Spotify

brad

Learn research-based skills and actionable steps to make better decisions, adjust to uncertain situations, make bold moves, & do more of what matters to you.

Reader transparent
Orange 2



GET YOUR FREE AUDIO GUIDE TO HARNESS THE POWER OF PERFECTIONISM

You have Successfully Subscribed!

HOW DO YOU PLAY-IT-SAFE?

  

Complete this 7-minutes quiz
and get your Playing-it-safe Profile!!

You have Successfully Subscribed!