We humans, as a species, are hardwired to avoid, control, and escape the stuff that makes us uncomfortable. That’s natural and that’s expected. In other words, to avoid is to be human.

But what happens when we avoid things that we care about because they make us uncomfortable? What happens when we disconnect from the stuff that matters to us because we’re trying to control what we feel? What’s the long-term outcome of avoidant behaviors in our lives?

Let’s consider Justin’s situation. When Justin was twenty-one years old, he got his first job working as a manager for a local restaurant. He was more than excited about his job, his paycheck, and the possibilities of expanding his career in the food industry. After a couple of months working, on a Friday evening, he returned home and saw his dog of fourteen years, Jackson, lying on the floor. Justin got scared and tried to move Jackson, but Jackson didn’t respond. Justin immediately took his dog to the veterinarian. In less than an hour, Justin was told that Jackson had a heart attack and was dead. Justin couldn’t make sense of those words. He drove mechanically back home and cried for hours.

Every night after work Justin felt sad, empty, as if something was missing. His friends tried to get him to go out, his family reached out too, but nothing diminished Justin’s grief. Little by little, Justin became disconnected from his friends. He called in sick to work some days, and the idea of moving on and getting a new puppy felt strange to him. Justin felt responsible for Jackson’s passing away. Justin blamed himself for not catching the early signs of a heart attack. He slowly withdrew from everyone, the things he needed to do, and the things he cared about.

There are many emotions that push us to hide, disconnect, and isolate, such as anger, shame, fear, grief, and many more.

This is natural, but when our pain becomes too strong and too enduring, it’s time to do something about it. This chapter will help you break down avoidance behaviors that have been keeping you in a holding pattern. It’s time to change your life for the better.

By assessing and reorganizing your day-to-day life, you can get back to doing the things you used to enjoy or have always wanted to try. There are three major interventions that are effective at breaking life-restricting patterns:

• Activity scheduling, which was initially developed to overcome depression (Beck et al. 1979; Freeman et al. 2004; Greenberger and Padesky 1995).
• Behavioral activation, which involves making contextual changes by increasing activity, counteracting avoidant behaviors, and increasing access to positive reinforcers (Addis and Martell 2004; Dimidjian et al. 2011; Martell et al. 2010).
• Values-based activation, which derives from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and establishes that committing to values-based behavior improves your motivation and willingness to overcome experiential avoidance (Zettle 2007)

This series will show you the nuts and bolts of how to get mobilized so you can get unstuck, stop disconnecting, and get back to your life.

Let’s start!

Assessment of how you’re spending your time

Words may inspire but only action creates change.
Simon Sinek

Now that you are familiar with the research behind getting mobilized, let’s get you moving!

As a starting point, it’s important that you assess how you’re spending your time. So, over the next week, using the weekly calendar below, record all the main activities you participate in each hour; it’s okay if you jot them down at the end of the day.
When monitoring your activities, pay attention to the following aspects:

• If an activity has been pleasurable, fun, or enjoyable, write a letter F for “fun” next to it; next, rank it from 1 (minimum) to 10 (maximum) in terms of how fun it was.
• If an activity is related to your values and what’s important to you, write a letter V for “values” next to it; then, rank it from 1 (minimum) to 10 (maximum) in terms of how important to you it was.
• If an activity is related to stuff you need to take care of (for example, errands) write a letter O for “must-do” next to it; also rank it from 1 (minimum) to 10 (maximum) in terms of how much of a priority it was to get it done.

This may seem a bit tedious at the beginning. However, completing the assessment will help you recognize how your week looks currently, how it’s impacting your well-being, and what needs to change so you can break any avoidance patterns. Think about it: if you don’t know how you’re spending your time, you won’t know what you need to change.
 

For example, when Mohammed reviewed his activity schedule at the end of the week, he realized that he spent more than ten hours watching TV, even though he didn’t enjoy it; he spent almost twelve hours dealing with taxes without a break and had barely any social interaction with his children and friends, which is something very important for him. Mohammed noticed that while he was spending all his time on these activities, he also was avoiding others.

Let’s move on to assessing the activities you’re avoiding that are affecting your life.

Inventory of what’re you avoiding

Take a few minutes to do an inventory of the things you have disconnected from during the last three months; don’t worry how long or short the list is, just write down all the things you have been avoiding up to this point.

After identifying all the situations you have withdrawn from, let’s take a look at the consequences of those actions in your day-to-day life and over the long term.

Withdrawing behaviors are tricky because, on the one hand, they feel comfortable in the short term and they can easily help us feel safe. On the other hand, when left unchecked, they can take us away from doing what’s important, from the people we love, and from the things we need to do. Whether you’re avoiding situations sporadically or chronically, this chapter will help you disrupt those avoidance patterns and reset your actions toward the stuff that you care about.

Your best line of defense is to step back from this avoidance dance and reconnect with your values, the things you find fun, and the things you need to do.

In the next part of this series getting mobilized, you will learn how to go back to your values, fun activities, and your to-dos.