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“I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not a writer. I’m not a podcaster. I don’t know if I’m really helping my clients. I don’t know if I have really made a difference with my work.”

I got invited to a podcast interview – one of my favorite ways of connecting with others because podcasts are real, raw, and unedited conversations. There I was, laughing, chatting, moving my hands up and down in the air when I heard the question: How does it feel to be the author of six books?

As I heard those words, I also heard in the background of my mind a soft voice whispering “. . . I’m not this. . . . I’m not that. . . . Am I this? Am I really an author? I don’t think so . . .” 

The whispering voice caught me by surprise; and yet, it’s not a new voice, it’s a familiar one.

My last book has sold more than 8,000 copies, which is not bad for a book with such a specific focus, published by a small press and written by an immigrant from a third-world country whose first language is not English. 

And yet, when I got asked the question: how does it feel to be the author of six books?, my mind chose to ignore the impact of those books and instead argued relentlessly that I might be an imposter, that I’m not a writer. 

Oh boy! 

Our wonderful minds – they never stop doing their own minding!

Our minds’ relentless need to label and come up with narratives, self-concepts, or constructs of who we are is not new for us, Homo sapiens. The truth is that our mind’s natural capacity to doubt our achievements, victories, accomplishments, and successes has a loooooong history. 

When this tendency evolves into a rigid thinking pattern that drives our actions, comes with overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, and leads us to fear being exposed as frauds, it’s called imposter syndrome.  This term was first coined by Dr. Pauline Clance and Dr. Suzanne Imes, in 1978. Since then it has been the topic of many books, articles, documentaries, and numerous other works focused on personal well-being. 

While most of the literature has focused on defining, classifying, and pinpointing exactly what qualifies as imposter syndrome, I want to start by sharing with you my take on it.

• When you do something you care deeply about, it’s quite likely you’ll feel like an imposter.
• Imposter syndrome is universal; everyone experiences it.
  

Feeling like a fraud, it’s not necessarily a syndrome or proof that something is wrong with you. It’s instead a common experience. It’s human. It’s real.

In this article, I will refer to it as the “imposter phenomenon” and I’ll share with you do’s and don’ts to deal with it!

1. Don’t fight it.

Quite often our instinct tells us, “I want these annoying feelings to go away right now; I want these thoughts to stop.” Those thoughts make sense because we are driven to avoid discomfort at all times; however, the more we fight an upsetting feeling, thought, or sensation – no matter what it’s about – the more we’re going to have that feeling.

So, the more you try to push those thoughts and feelings about being an imposter, the more you’re going to get stuck with them. Every time you take those self-doubt thoughts literally and fight back against them, or try to replace them, you inadvertently reinforce them. They get louder and bigger. You end up having one doubtful thought after another and after another.

Then, your inner monologue becomes one of self-doubt:

• • • Me: I’m a writer. I mean, I’m ESL, but I do write.
    • Me: Do you remember when you thought you didn’t write well? But then you got compliments on your books, and you saw the number of people reading your book? 
    • Me: Yes, but it takes a lot of effort to write, and I see myself more as a translator: I translate my work with clients into a written format. 
    • Me: Well, that makes you a writer, right? 
    • Me: But does it make me a good writer? I’m not Neil Gaiman for sure. 
    • Me: It’s true; you’re not Neil Gaiman—and, still, you’re a writer.
    • Me:  . . . 
    • Me:  . . .
      
      Even though it’s hard to deal with all those doubt-filled thoughts, it’s important that you remember that no matter what type of self-doubt you’re having, those thoughts and pictures are products of your mind. Those self-doubtful thoughts are letters, words, and images put together. That’s the beginning and that’s the end of a thought

2. Don’t prove it wrong.

You have probably heard – and perhaps even practiced – the advice of listing your achievements, reciting positive affirmations, practicing internal appreciation (e.g., remembering all the nice things people have said about you, listing your victories), and asking others for evidence that you’re competent and capable.

Given that your mind can get very tough, critical, and judgemental, all those recommendations are understandable. And yet, all of them are a way of engaging, wrestling, and giving too much attention to the imposter phenomenon. Think about it, how much time do you spend responding to those self-doubtful thoughts? How much effort do you put into quieting down those thoughts?

So, instead of arguing back and forth with all of your thoughts related to the imposter phenomenon, just acknowledge that they’re there. You can coach yourself to accept those thoughts by saying to yourself, “here it comes, the major of town; of course, Mr. Imposter will come.”

3. Don’t compare yourself to others.

A very popular response to the experience of the imposter phenomenon is to engage with it by comparing yourself to others.

• • • She’s a better writer.
    • She has a larger audience.
    • She has a better platform.
    • She’s more eloquent in her writing.

Ayayay! What are we going to do with our minds?

Our drive to compare our performance, progress, or success to that of other people is another evolutionary response. Our minds will do this every time we pursue something that’s important to us. And, whether we like it or not, our minds will tell us that our metrics are those of the people around us; so, whenever there is a perceived gap between our achievements and those of others, our minds will fixate, dwell and focus on it. 

The tricky part is that every human being – every single one -is doubting their work as much as you are. We’re constantly comparing ourselves to others. But – here comes a big but – you don’t live in anyone else’s head; you don’t know how much doubt and worry people around you have; you don’t know how many feelings of being an imposter show up in other people’s minds.

Who understands our minds?!

Drop the comparison trap by telling your mind: Dear mind, gentle please, gentle, no need to take things too far!!

4. Practice radical acceptance

Can you point to any person around you that never doubted him, her, or themself? Even if someone offered us one million dollars, if we’re honest, we would have to pass this challenge. It’s quite unlikely that any person will fit the bill. 

No human being walks through life without doubting themselves, and when things matter to you, your mind will tell you that you’re not good enough, that you’re not as good as you think you are, that you’re missing stuff, and so on. 

But instead of fighting those thoughts, dwelling on them, or getting down on yourself because of them, let’s learn to radically accept them. Let’s see if you can take a deep breath and simply accept the thoughts for what they are. 

Practicing radical acceptance of the imposter phenomenon and related thoughts doesn’t mean you’re agreeing with those thoughts or giving in to them; it just means that you’re coaching yourself to use your mind, hands, and feet to do what’s important to you while making room for those thoughts.

So instead of arguing with yourself about whether or not those thoughts should be there, I want to invite you to radically accept that the imposter phenomenon is just there, wherever you go.

You can even say to yourself, Here she is: Dr. Z, the famous imposter, or Here comes Dr. Z, the terrible writer. 

Remember: to be human is to doubt yourself.

5. Practice accepting failure 

We couldn’t have survived as a species without being afraid of failing or of being a failure. And this fear has become a part of our makeup (click here to listen to my podcast episode on the fear of failure)

But learning to fail and accepting that failure is part of doing what’s important to us; reality is that it’s a matter of time before things we care about fall apart to some degree. But, isn’t it by failing that science evolves? Isn’t it by failing that we figure out what matters to us? Isn’t it by failing that we discover what things are most important to us?

It’s quite unlikely that we can become who we want to be without failing. And no matter how uncomfortable failure is, I don’t think there is any way to avoid it if you are living with purpose.

6. Practice self-compassion

Here is a window into the complex nature of our minds: our minds are never trying to hurt us, upset us, or be cruel toward us. It just happens that our minds are more like overprotective friends that rely on all types of strategies to prevent us from suffering. 

This may sound paradoxical, but think about it: when your mind starts to express doubt, isn’t it possible that it’s trying to make sure you don’t mess up? Isn’t it possible that your mind is doing all that it can, to ensure that you don’t suffer? 

I get that it’s not the most effective way to achieve that end, but perhaps nagging and doubting are the only ways your mind can think of to protect you. 

Sometimes people associate self-compassion with self-pity, self-indulgence, selfishness, self-absorption, and even weakness. But, these are just misconceptions – and, in fact, research keeps showing the opposite: people who practice self-compassion are not only more compassionate to others but also get things done without dwelling on harsh self-criticism.

Self-compassion is also about making room for what is without judging our struggles or judging ourselves for struggling. Practicing self-compassion is making a personal decision to make room for our struggles and to figure out how to respond to them with openness.

Self-compassion can actually be a form of down-regulation when we’re feeling scared, ashamed, or disappointed with ourselves.

Tips for practicing self-compassion

Take a couple of breaths and then:

• • • Practice a soft gaze.
    • Practice a soothing or supportive touch.
    • Check-in with yourself: Where is the discomfort in your body? Where is the suffering in your body? Is it in your chest? Is it on your shoulders? Is it in your head? Is it in your heart? Is it in your stomach? Is it at your fingertips? It could be all over your body, and that’s okay. Just check in with yourself.
    • Then ask yourself: What do I need right now?
      A huge part of self-compassion is honoring what’s really happening in a given moment. It’s about asking yourself what’s happening right now and what you need.  What do you need to hear right now? What would you love to be told? What would nourish you? If a kind friend came in the door right now, what would they say to you?

7. Do what matters & hold the duality

When the imposter phenomenon goes into overdrive, it’s quite likely that you will feel like giving up, withdrawing, or stopping yourself from doing the things you care about. You may also have an urge to dwell on your expertise, competence, and capacities until hours have passed. 

Instead, as paradoxical as it may seem, in those moments it is important that you focus on your values. Focus on doing what’s truly important to you, deliberately and with intention. You don’t have control over what types of thoughts your mind comes up with, but you do have control over what you pay attention to! 

Doing what matters and dancing with the imposter phenomenon can be seen as intentionally accepting a duality: saying yes to your values and saying yes to all your doubts about your competence. 

The upsides of the imposter phenomenon

If left unchecked, the imposter phenomenon can derail you from being who you want to be. We’re not fans of the self-doubt, uncomfortable narratives, or annoying emotions that come with the imposter phenomenon. That’s reasonable. And yet, I invite you to take a closer look.

You don’t need to play-it-safe by listening to all those thoughts that come along with the imposter phenomenon. You don’t have to put all your efforts into getting rid of the imposter phenomenon in order to live an engaging and purposeful life. You don’t need to ditch what’s important to you when you’re experiencing the self-doubt that’s part of the imposter phenomenon. 

In fact, a bit of the imposter phenomenon can propel you to do great things. 

Your ability to harness the upsides of the imposter phenomenon will be an asset as you move forward in your life.

Think about it:

• I have never heard anyone question their progress, accomplishments, victories, or successes when they didn’t care. Every time the imposter phenomenon shows up, it’s an indication of something that is important in your life, something you care deeply about, something that matters. The imposter phenomenon doesn’t have any purchase if you don’t care about a particular situation.
  
• The imposter phenomenon can enhance your performance because once you get in touch with what really matters to you—your values—then you can commit to taking more steps in that direction, to trying something new, or to making any necessary changes.
• The imposter phenomenon keeps you humble because, by acknowledging your self-doubts, you practice self-awareness. And by practicing self-awareness, you get to know yourself better and better.

A dose of the imposter phenomenon is perhaps better than feeling overly confident in one’s abilities.

“Show me someone doing something that matters to them, and I’ll show you someone who feels like an imposter.”