Reading Time: 4 minutes

These days, I found myself thinking a lot about how fear shapes us on so many levels, up and down, left and right. Learning to relate to fear is a life skill to design the life we want to live and be the person we want to be. The way I see it is that…

There is fear, and there is life—and they coexist next to each other.

Today, I want to invite you to focus on one thing: how to spot a playing-it-safe behavior.

Here is a bit of scientific background: The academic literature refers to playing-it-safe behaviors as “safety-seeking behaviors or safety behaviors,” terms first coined by P. Salkovskis in 1996. Since then, as studies progressed, it has become clear that these actions are present across all anxiety struggles. I’m here to tell you that playing-it-safe behaviors, as I refer to them, are not exclusive to people with anxiety problems but are a natural response for every human being when faced with a perceived dangerous situation. We all play-it-safe.

When playing it safe, you’re naturally responding to fears, obsessions, worries, and anxieties by doing what you can to minimize a potentially negative outcome and the discomfort that comes with it. Here are some examples: driving to a job site days before a job interview so you don’t get lost on the day of the interview; rehearsing a public presentation so you don’t make a fool of yourself when the time comes; avoiding watching news about the coronavirus so you don’t go into distress mode; thinking right away about something positive when having negative thoughts about yourself; not saying what you really think about a project to your boss, so you don’t create problems; avoiding watching horror movies so you don’t have nightmares.

In all these examples, you’re attempting to reduce the distress that comes with fearful activities, situations, or internal experiences. Do you relate to any of them? As you can see, no human being walks in life without playing it safe. We all do it – it’s natural, and it’s not the problem. The challenge is how playing-it-safe actions work in our lives, how often we engage with them, and why we do them.

The way that we respond to fear varies based on where we are, who we’re with, what we’re doing, and so many other variables. Consequently, playing-it-safe actions are dynamic, not static. There are playing-it-safe behaviors that keep us healthy and moving toward a valued life, and then there are playing-it-safe behaviors that move us away from the things we care about. Let’s look at unhelpful safety behaviors.
​
​Here are common examples of unhelpful playing-it-safe behaviors:

• When you directly avoid a situation
  ​If you’re afraid of driving on the freeway you may avoid freeway driving at all costs; you may ask others to give you a ride, or you might take a cab or other form of public transportation. If you’re afraid of being alone, you may quickly go from one relationship to another without giving yourself a chance to process a rupture or breakup. These types of playing-it-safe moves are straight avoidance behaviors and typically aren’t a one-time thing but a repetitive, constant, or chronic response.
• When you approach an activity with public safety crutches
  ​Let’s imagine that you’re afraid of making a mistake when giving a presentation. In response to this fear, you rehearse word for word what you want to say so your mind doesn’t go blank, spend hours trying to anticipate all the things that could go wrong, or even postpone the deadline multiple times until you feel ready. This safety behavior is unhelpful because it keeps you from doing the things you need to do or enjoy doing.
• When you approach a situation with mental safety crutches
  ​Other times, playing-it-safe behaviors are very private and discrete actions, like planning in your mind what to say when you’re on a date; lying down in your bed and coming up with a master to-do list for your week; replaying in your mind how exactly a situation unfolded so you can be sure you didn’t make a fool of yourself. No one sees these safety behaviors, but they’re still actively taking up a lot of time and energy you could be spending on things that are important to you.
• When you quickly decide to get out of a situation
  ​In 1976, Jerry Seinfeld, a famous American comedian, walked up on stage, took the microphone, looked out into the audience, and froze. When he finally found his voice, all he could remember where the topics he had prepared to talk about. He rattled them off without pausing and then hurried offstage. The entire performance lasted about ninety seconds. This is called escaping. If you are scared about a situation, you get out of it as soon as possible. Yes, you are being safe if you run out of a dark alley because you took a wrong turn. But if you leave every time you start to have a difficult conversation with a partner, the relationship will suffer!

Now, just because two people have the same playing-it-safe reaction to a scary event doesn’t mean that their driver is the same. For instance, when preparing for a TV interview, one person may rehearse every day for a month beforehand to avoid “saying the wrong thing or making verbal mishaps,” while another person may rehearse every day “to avoid blushing or crying during the interview.” And that’s why, noticing what playing-it-safe behaviors you’re doing to minimize, avoid, or decrease the discomfort that comes with certain activities is key to getting unstuck and start living.

Here are actionable tips for you to spot if your playing-it-safe behaviors are unhelpful:

Answer the questions: 

• What are the three activities you’re avoiding on a regular basis?
• What are the three activities you’re approaching with public safety crutches?
• What are the three activities you’re approaching with mental safety crutches?
• What are the three activities you’re trying to escape from as soon as possible?

After answering those questions, check your WHYs.

Here is a question to guide you in figuring out your WHYs behind those playing-it-safe actions:

• What would happen if you stopped using that particular playing-it-safe move?
• How would you feel if you didn’t do it?
• What will be the worst-case scenario if you don’t play-it-safe in that situation?