Here is the deal about our thoughts:

• Our thoughts about life are not life.
• Our thoughts about life are descriptions of life

Here is the deal about our mind: Our mind is a maker of thoughts, a connector of thoughts, and a creator of patterns. And it’s default mode is to protect, defend and guide us from anything that could be a threat. Not our fault; that’s just what the mind us and that’s just how it kept us alive for hundreds of years.

Thinking is always in the background ….sometimes loudly, sometimes like a whisper, sometimes like a soft soundtrack.

Our thoughts come in the form of hypotheses, dreams, theories, stories, pictures, questions, calculations, or plans. Our thoughts also come with poignant doubts, criticisms, scary images, unpleasant possibilities, or distressing urges to find the right response.  And, when facing upsetting moments, all that thinking – all those thoughts – gets amplified, exacerbated, and augmented.

e.g. what if I lose my job; what if people make fun of me; would I make it? Did I research every option before making a decision?  

Thinking is always there.
Thinking is always happening.
Negative thinking is always popping up.

At first glance, the problem is with negative thinking itself. The problem with this frame is that it characterizes our mind as this omnipotent device that holds the truth, is accurate, and is always right. But, that ignores something crucial: the mind is always doing its own minding, regardless of what’s really happening inside and outside of us.

Take a look by yourself: set a timer for 2 minutes and watch what your mind does. Where does your mind take you? What words, letters or pictures does your mind come up with?

The problem is not with negative thinking itself; the problem is with how serious we take our thinking; how infatuated we are with thinking and how we rely on thinking to control what’s out of our control.

Think about it:

When having a doubtful thought (e.g. is this the right length of this article?),  we respond to that thought with other thoughts (e.g. I have seen other authors writing this length; what if it’s not; did I see things right? My friend Jess wrote around the same length; what if nobody reads this article? What if I’m writing for nothing? I’m not a writer…)

It’s like thinking gives us a sense of control of that uncomfortable experience – of that uncomfortable doubtful thought.

The late Harvard psychologist Daniel Wegner is well known for his work on thought control. When asked the question, “How do people control their own minds?” he responded:

“The simple strategy of directing attention can often be helpful, as people can stop thoughts, concentrate, improve their moods, relax, fall asleep, and otherwise control their mental states just by trying to direct their thoughts. These strategies of mental control can sometimes backfire, however, producing not only the failure of control but the very mental states we are trying to avoid.”

Wegner’s studies on thought control emerged from his research on thought suppression. Wagner illustrated what thought control is inspired by a line from Dostoyevsky: “Try to pose for yourself this task: not to think of a polar bear, and you will see that the cursed thing will come to mind every minute.” Wegner wrote:

People who are prompted to try not to think about a white bear while they are thinking out loud will tend to mention it about once a minute… It seems that many of us are drawn into what seems a simple task, to stop a thought, when we want to stop thinking of something because it is frightening, disgusting, odd, inconvenient, or just annoying. And when we succumb to that initial impulse to stop, the snowballing begins. We try and fail, and try again, and find that the thought is ever more insistent for all our trying. [2]

Our attempts to control our thoughts make sense; we may even feel less afraid, less at the mercy of what we don’t have control of. But then, we end up with a war of thoughts, one after another; one thought fighting against the other thought. We spend so much time proving, disproving, discounting and trying to make those uncomfortable thoughts stop.

It feels like when dealing with negative, repetitive, and distressing thinking our role is to surrender to it, to respond to thinking with more thinking, and to dwell and dwell.

But, that’s not true.

What type of relationship do you have with your mind?

That’s the fundamental question for you right now. 

• Are you at the mercy of your thoughts?
• Do you respond to thinking with more thinking?
• Do you spend hours in your head trying to control what you cannot control in your outside world?
• Do you respond with more thinking to all those negative thoughts your mind comes up with?

If you answer yes to any of the above questions, my friend, watch out!

As much as we need thinking to live our lives, it also can take us on a very dark path.

Instead of taking the thought making of your mind as your boss, what about …

Nurturing the relationship with your mind.

You can sharpen your thinking by nurturing the relationship with your mind.

Here is how you can nurture the relationship with thinking:

• Radically accept that thinking happens, thinking comes and goes.
• Turn your attention away from the thoughts that are not helpful to you in a given moment.
• Keep in mind that your mind is always trying to protect you and it does it in the only way it knows: connecting thoughts, creating patterns, and coming up with a lot of thoughts.
• Remember that when feeling anxious, scared, or distressed, your mind will quickly come up with all types of thoughts to protect you
• Take ownership of your responses to thinking.
• Even when your mind comes up with doubts, what-if thoughts, criticizing thoughts, ask yourself, would something helpful come for me if I respond to that thought? If the answer is not, refocus your attention.
  

I’ll expand these ideas in other articles. I leave with my last thought:

The first distressing thought is on your mind, the rest of the thoughts is on you.